~ After disappointment everything disappears ~

As many times as he was disappointed in his life, everyone hopes that at least once, when it is very important to him, he will avoid this stone. However, this rarely happens. It persistently stands in every way as a temptation he must skip to go further. Thinking that one of the many obstacles, to which he was accustomed, only causes him, he sometimes stumbles. He assures himself that not everything is just as it seems, and that it is just one of those days that he simply needed to sleep, but unsuccessfully, because the unrest is tireless. It awakens him from every dream. The cruel reality persistently tries to show him what he does not want to see. He resists, seeking salvation in the promises that float in the air, like large and empty, colorful balloons that constantly draw attention, but whenever he puts his hand on them to touch them, they run and climb to even higher heights. Even then, he again blames himself for not grasping them and letting them leave. Sometimes a man jumps a lot less than it seems to him, and much more than he can. Although often reluctant, sooner or later, he is forced to face much unpleasantness, even disappointment. After that encounter, he no longer stumbles. He simply gets out of the way and without a word let it pass. It again takes precedence, and he, with a bowed head, tries to continue on, and resist the desire to turn behind it. He knows that this is the last meeting and that there is a new road ahead of him, for which he is not ready: cold, desolate, uncertain and foggy. While disappointed and betrayed he stands on this vast, unknown soil, the only evidence that he is still alive and that he really exists is his long shadow, which constantly associates him with loneliness. It doesn’t matter to him in which direction he will go and how much betrays will wait for him on that road. After a bitter temptation, nothing is the same again. Everything begins to disappear as if it never existed: both happiness, and sorrow, and love, and suffering, and fear, and hope, and pain. There is no more optimism, no enthusiasm, and no motivation. Everything, that took the last atoms of power from him to move him, dies. At one moment, it seemed to him that, whatever he could and had to live, he had lived until that day, and that he would no longer be able to say and show what he wanted and could. He leaves the densely written pages of his soul to the wind. All his unfulfilled prayers and wishes go with them. Nothing can disturb the monotony of his thoughts and experiences anymore. There is no more passion and shine in his view. Only apathy and pessimism reside in it. Only sometimes, a stray tear, which has long gone out, has stopped. And that all the bells in the world are united, they would not manage to overcome the high wall of silence and emptiness that surrounds him. Though he hears them ringing, he no longer wants to leave that wall. He does not want to know why, nor to whom they are ringing, he just wants to leave them somewhere in the distance not to remind him of the false hopes and optimism that they once woke up in him. At the moments of disappointment he does not even look up to the sky and does not look for balloons because he knows that, instead of them, there are horrible heavenly images waiting for him. He does not want to meet again with lightning and their anger, who often announced the curse and brought restlessness and uneasiness into his soul. He wants to get rid of all those lost days when he was blinded by a light that does not exist and turns his back on all his dreams, reflections and visions. They are completely losing their sense before the gusts of disappointment, which is sometimes so strong that it can destroy and erase all the feelings that have accumulated in him for years. Everything in which he believed and all his efforts to keep those beliefs terminated and disappeared. The belief that somewhere there is a star, to which he can always look and smile, is extinguished. It no longer flickers and slowly disappears in one of the nebulae for which he was once deeply convinced that it is full of life. With this star, he also extinguishes because he knows that no other will be able to bring him so much enthusiasm and joy. Still, that was just what he wanted to see. It followed him up to the moment he ceased to want, and to the inevitable encounter with the truth, which he persistently avoided. The truth is sometimes very cruel, worse than any executioner. When it looks at the man, he turns his eyes away because what he sees in this regard is too painful. Like on a crystal ball, there are contours of all his wrongly chosen roads and delusions. Only then, observing himself from the side, he sees for the first time how blindly he believed in nonexistent only because he did not have the courage to follow the reality. Some passers-by, who he met on those roads, were very good and skillfully used his beliefs. When they left, they did not leave him any crumbs, they took everything. They were replaced by deep disappointment, coldness, indifference, and questions. Why is there so much evil in a man? Does everything that looks good always have to be false and cruel? Why are behind the seemingly happy stories always hidden dark secrets? Did people cross all the borders? Can they stop? Or maybe we are all an integral part of a particular process that nobody informed us about? However, the end is always certain. All trips, even disappointments, end with it. On the way to that end, the world around man begins to narrow down. He does not look at it anymore in the same way. All his exciting encounters with nature go into oblivion. All of its murmurs, which he, with great curiosity, once listened, slowly disappear, and his movements stop. He is no longer longing for anything. All that, for what he once desperately hurried, becomes meaningless. Nothing in his life is worth the effort or renunciation anymore. His being is dominated by disappointment, which does not allow him to begin anything new. Everything behind him remains incomplete and undefined. He completely surrenders to the emptiness, which, at the moments, looks astonishingly in comparison with the pain that has crushed him. And without noticing, he becomes part of all of those phenomena and things that he once watched with disgust. The future is no longer a secret or a challenge. It’s just a couple of days that he needs to survive. He no longer expects help from anyone and does not afraid of betrayal. He no longer relies on anyone’s support because he knows that he does not have it. In that future, everything that he achieves, both good and evil, belongs only to him, and no one can take it away from him. Anaximander thought that apeiron was the beginning of all things, from which, as a result of opposing the warm and cold, a world is created. So maybe a man, after many opposites with which he is constantly confronted, stands at the beginning of a new world.
After disappointment everything disappears , author Suzana Stojanović, September 8, 2018